Grandparents are Raising their Grandchildren-Family First

Grandparents raising grandchildren is quickly becoming normal in today’s society. After having raised their own children, many new grandparents find they are now raising grandchildren as well.

There are many reasons why grandparents and grandchildren find themselves living in this family structure. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect, financial concerns, and unplanned pregnancies, are but a few. Not everyone ends up in this situation for the same reasons and not everyone deals with it the same way.

From the out-set I would suggest to anyone who might be considering this path that you need to ask yourself if you are doing this to help your grandchildren or to change your child. It is not always easy to separate the two and you may not see the need, but it has been my experience that when you decide to become grandparents raising grandchildren your life is much easier if you do.

If you simply know that your grandchild will be better off living with you and that is the only motive for your actions then I would say jump right in. If your actions are motivated by a desire to force a change in your child, you should make that clear from the start.

My sister chose to adopt her grandchild. In this case, my sister simply knew that her grandchild would be better off living with her and chose to make the arraignment permanent.

I chose to become a legal guardian. My choice left the door open for my grandson to one-day return to live with his father. It was my desire to help my son make positive changes in his life.  

In the case of my sisters family her decision to maintain a more traditional family set up initially seemed the wiser of the two. She was not dealing with the struggle that both my son and I were. 

We were trying to find ways to accommodate both of our ideas and of opinions concerning raising kids and discipline. It was important for me to achieve my goal of one day returning my grandson to his father that I allow my son to have a good deal of input into the education and discipline of his son. Since my grandson was living in my home, it was obvious that my son was not the greatest decision maker, and so the struggle ensued. 

In my sisters family it was decided that the grandchild would be told about the adoption when she was mature enough to handle the information. Until then, she was to be brought up as a sibling to her birth mother. For them this decision has caused some confusion and animosity. The child’s birth mother after settling in a good job and decent marriage decided that she was now in a position to raise her own child. She took it upon herself to go against the wishes of my sister and inform the child of the adoption. The child then eleven and now thirteen, has been placed in a situation where she feels she has to separate her loyalties. This situation is causing a great deal of conflict for my sister, her daughter and her adopted daughter (granddaughter).

On the other side, my grandson always knew the truth of his situation and knew that the goal was for him to one day be living with his father. There were no surprises. When my grandson was old enough to understand the goal, he became an active participant in the effort to accomplish it. 

Unless my sister’s adult child decides to file for custody, my sister’s separation issues will not happen until her adopted child becomes an adult.

For me my grandson went to live with his father when he was ten years old and my separation issues have been much harder than the issues I had when my children moved away. I still question my son’s parenting skills and often have concerns about my grandsons well being. They are doing okay. I know that in my mind but even now three years later I have a hard time convincing my heart that it was time to let go.

I have struggled with some of the decisions that I have made. It has not been easy to face some of the things that I have gone through but I feel that in the end, it has been better for my grandson to know the truth and for him to be returned to his fathers care.

I am now enjoying all of the benefits of being a grandparent and for the most part our struggles are done.

We are still having growing pains. My grandson does not believe that he is ever in trouble until his dad brings me into the equation, I think that my son though he tries very hard does not always make the best decisions concerning my grandson, and my son thinks that I still do not give him enough freedom to parent his child.

Sounds like normal grand parenting to me.