My Daughter's Evil Twin
64My Daughters Evil Twin
I do not know where she came from or why she is here But I want my daughter back.
Almost two years ago now my daughter meant a new man. She divorced the father of her three children and moved in with this new man. I am not aghast at the divorce or even the new relationship as things change and people change, that is the way life is,
The thing that is making me crazy is that I do not know who my daughter is anymore. Since she has become involved with this man she has allowed him to abuse her children. Both of them have been convicted of abusing my granddaughter and yet she stays with him. She has dropped out of the family and taken her two sons with her. I miss them terrible and am so confused by all of this that I am nearly insane with grief.
Abuse
My Daughter would have, in the years prior to meeting this new man, cut off her own arm to protect one of her children. I have seen her stand a do battle against overwhelming odds when she felt one of her kids was being mistreated.
Now in two short years I wake every day to the horror that the person living my daughters life looks like my daughter, talks like my daughter, walks like my daughter but is an evil incarnation of the child I raised.
There are some in the family that speculate that possibly she is also the victim of abuse at the hands of the monster she is living with but even that does not make any sense to me. She knows to well that she has options and that we her family would protect her if she gave us even the slightest inkling that she needed protection. She knows that help would be a phone call away and yet she does not call.
The loss
It is a very hard thing as a parent to lose a child to an early and untimely death but It is even harder to lose a child to these circumstances. I do not know how to make this go away. I do not know where to turn or who to talk too.
A part of me almost wishes that she is being forced against her will to stay in that situation because then I could also believe that one day things will be right agai.
It sickens me that I feel this way. It is hard to even put the words out there. Knowing as I do that most likely if she is being abused she may end up seriously hurt or dead. I do not wish this for her. I just want my daughter back. I want to see the smiling faces of my grandsons and hear my granddaughter laugh again. I want my world back to normal.
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Thank-you Cags I would not have had the courage to write it if it had not been for your challenge.
He has been convicted and still walks around freely and my grandsons still live in his home. My granddaughter is now a ward of the state. She is the victim and this great state of mine has locked her up go figure.
My daughter's evil twin appeared when she was about 16 years old. My daughter is 21 now and I still don't know where she is as the person who looks just like her hasn't left yet. I hope my daughter returns soon, I miss her, and I am tired of her look alike making such terrible choices.
Ooh my Ohma!! This is a horrid thing which you are dealing with at the moment. I do hope - sincerely hope - that you daughter returns to you and soon. Your precious grandchildren deserve more. My thoughts are with you.
Such a brutally honest hub, thank you for not sparing the gore. It's rare that someone allows a simple passerby such a window into the soul. Ohma, I don't know about your daughter, but I can tell you this. I was dating a Soldier in Iraq, an amazing man. I thought I would be with him forever, I was with him the whole time I was over there, he was my world... When we got back to the states he changed. He changed completely, I didn't even know who he was anymore. He called me everyday when he first got home and then the calls got weird, where he'd act like we hadn't talked in weeks. I felt as if I had lost the real him in Iraq and that somehow the two of us still existed over there but there was no way to pull us into the present. I don't know if this is how you feel with your daughter, but there is hope. He went through a lot when he got home, ( and even more while he was in the desert) but he couldn't see how large a toll the trauma he had dealt with had taken on him. Perhaps your daughter hardened to the abuse she got, and in her mind, got stronger so she changed her personality to adjust to the environment she was now existing in with this monstrous man. She had to become someone else, but she is completely unaware of it. She thinks she can handle it, then everyone else around just needs to put up with the consequences of her metamorphosis. So, anyway, one night, after he had been especially hurtful for the previous weeks, he called me and asked me to tell him that I hate him and for him to never call me again, he said he knew that he had screwed up and that he didn't know what was wrong with him. I told him that no matter what I won't ever hate him, I just don't know him anymore. I told him it was almost worse then the friends we actually lost. I told him that its like knowing our lives were still playing out on a different universe that was right out of grasp. That having him back possessed was the worst torture I could ever fathom, and not just torture for me but for him too. The hope comes from, after this conversation he has started to turn back around, and there are times when we are talking that it's the same man I thought I lost in the desert. I know he can come back, we just have to remind those we love of who they really are... Without accusing or judgment.... just love.
Ohma, I feel your pain. I have had similar problems and have had to deal with them over a long period of time.
There is no possible way you can get at the real truth as to why your daughter has done, and is still doing what she is. In some ways it is sort of out of your hands, unless you go to the authorities and state your case. And even then, they may not help you change the situation.
My gut feeling tells me that your daughter thinks she has found real love and, despite any abuse she may or may not be experiencing, that need is stronger than any other, even the need to protect her children.
Another scenario is that: many time persons with very strong wills can actually "brainwash" another individual to stay in a situation and to actually believe that it's right thing to do. These people are very manipulative and can convince others that they are right, and even that they are their "savior", not necessarily in the religious sense.
In all honesty, I believe that she will eventually "see the light" and when and if she does, she will find a way to extract herself and the boys and attempt to make things right. In the meantime, I realize you are suffering, but you have to come to terms with this and distance yourself somewhat or you will be in no shape to help, when and if that time comes.
I could say a lot more, but, maybe laster, if you're interested.
Ohma, I have a niece who got into drugs .. my sister, her mother, had NO clue for quite a while... It was mind boggling to see her daughter switch like this. A boyfriend introduced her daughter to the world of drugs. My niece's personality switched .. the old daughter was gone, totally.
Sadly, yet thankfully, my sister now has custody of her daughters 2 precious girls. When my sister learned it was drugs .. she turned her daughter in over and over again until the state kicked in to bring consequences. HARD for her to do? You betcha .. but she had to think of her grandchildren's safety .. they needed to be protected. Just a thought Ohma .. Is this a possibility?
May God strengthen you as you sort it out and process this .. nothing harder than loosing your child in this way.
Mekenzie
The deep honesty of your hub is amazing. I wish there were answers that I could give you. Your strength stands as a testament of love for her and the children. I hope that you find the answers you need. May God Bless You.
Ohma, I recognize myself in place of your daughter. The situation of being abused is a complicated one. I would like to suggest you contact your local abuse shelter for information - they're a wonderful resource and might be able to help you understand.
First thing - we love who we love, despite circumstances. You know your daughter better than anyone - Does your daughter truly love him? If the answer is yes then the two of them need serious help to stop the abuse & the children deserve a stable home-life while they're in the process. If the answer is no she needs to discover the truth herself as to why she's still with him. Again, the children deserve a stable home-life while she's in the process.
The attachment to an abuser is usually caused by low self-esteem. Your daughter needs to recognize this in order to improve her life, and the best way to push it is for her to hit rock bottom. Even though our children grow into adults, they're still our children and occasionally need our assistance.
Good luck, Ohma. ((((hugs)))) Writing this for the world to see takes a huge amount of strength and courage. Kudos!!
(email me if you want to talk)
Ohma, this is wonderful open piece of writing, and I hope someone commenting here has the experience to help you, or more importantly at this stage, to help your daughter. I'm reading this hubs and thinking 'drugs'. What else could change her personality so completely? My daughter too had an involvement with drugs that she still denies to this day, but I found out through other sources. We are no longer in contact or on speaking terms, but that was her choice not mine. At least she hasn't got any children for me to worry about.
I certainly appreciate the response to this. I never expected anyone to read it.
Izzy and others Drugs are not an issue at this point I wish that where the case at least then it would make some sense. I understand that everyone may think I am not being very realistic but my daughter was an addict for 10 years. These problems did not stir until she had been clean nearly 2 years. She is also random tested because of the probation she received for the child abuse offense. Drugs are not the blame in this case.
Ohma, I feel so bad that you have such pain and that your grandchildren may be being abused. As one person already commented, when there is such a change in someone, often there are drugs involved. Even with the information you only have now -- and you not knowing what could be the cause -- I know it's got to be a very stressful position for you because it is your family and if you make the wrong move, those children go into a foster home and that can be very scary for them even if it's just for a week at first. And on the other hand, you don't know if perhaps it might be the best for them. I do know that most state offices record their phone calls and it can work to one's detriment if one is just phoning to inquire about what would happen if such and such was taking place....but if you're not sure. I'm not saying you should wait until you're SURE. Only YOU know whatever circumstances there are or that you have good reason to suspect there are. As a grandmother, if things get worse or don't get better, you'll know instinctively what to do.
Pamela first thank-you for responding.
Second whatever we could do we already did. we called the police both my daughter and the man she is with where convicted on two separate counts of child abuse in regard to my granddaughter. CPS has been involved for almost two years and amazingly do not have a problem with my grandsons residing in the home of these convicted child abusers. My granddaughter has been placed into the system and is currently living in a residential treatment facility because my daughter stated she does not want her to live with my husband and me.
The law and agencies that are supposed to help with problems like this are a joke. The only thing they have done is enabled my daughter and boyfriend to keep the boys from us so we have no idea what is going on with them.
Ohma, such honesty and transparency you have shown. I feel for your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
thank you for your hub
Ohma- I'll be emailing you.............. won't touch on this subject here. Stay strong........... you're a great mom and a better grandmother! I will be in touch soon! Need to do some research for you first.
Kaie
That is really tough. Men can be so mind-controlling. I guess he has controlled her enough to change her thinking. Keep praying and believing.
Ohma Remember you have rights as a grandmother too. Keep fighting to get your grandchildren back in your life. Even visitation can make all the difference. Good luck and God bless.
Thanks for the thought provoking hub, I have 2 boys but I always wanted a little girl ;0)
Ohma, this is indeed a very sad situation. I wish I had some magic words that can help and heal your pain, but I do agree with butterfly that you have rights, and I wish you enough strength and courage to pursue them.
Ohma I am so sorry to hear this and I sincerely hope things will get better for you. Abuse is a hard thing to deal with no matter who is involved .. I know this all to well and the final outcomes can be devastating. I saw where you said in a comment response that she has been locked up but where are her kids? they should not be with this horrible man .. if anything they should be with their father or you as the grandparent.
Again i am sorry that life has dealt you and your family this terrible card.
Pinky the she that has been locked up is my granddaughter not my daughter. My daughter and her boyfriend were both convicted and are walking around free as birds but my 9 year granddaughter who is the victim has been in a residential treatment facility since last Sept.
My grandsons are still with their mother and this monster she is living with and we have not seen them since 2008.
Tiring fighting laws that don't protect the children. One in treatment, doesn't give cause to monitor the other two? Saddens me that society lets this continue. Speak out, and hold firm to protecting your family. You're a good woman for this.
sorry I misunderstood... even still I hope all gets better for you and your family soon
so painful, I really hope good senses prevail.
Ohma, a honest and heart wrenching hub. The differences between parents and kids do arise, call it by any name generation gap or anything; it is painful for both parties. I dont know your daughter but trust me she will turn to you first if she needs help. Dear take care and be strong as she will need the strength if she returns. Be Strong, the lessons of life only make you a better human being.
Just to point out...
"...my daughter meant a new man."
Maybe.."met a new man" ?
Okay, the next one is lame...
"...that is the way life is,"
I'd recommend a period. Or perhaps a semicolon. I'd edit it myself...but, I can't. Great article either way. =)
This is an extremely heartfelt article, and I thank you for your baring of the soul. In all honesty, I wish I had better resources for you to turn to.
My best advice would be to alert her of county resources available to her in a non-threatening manner and let her know personally that you do not want to intrude on her life or misinterpret her parenting, but you feel that maybe her lover at this point in time is not the best.
Perhaps you've tried this, though...my heart goes out to you, and your best intentions.
Wow, I don't even know what to say
It looks like this hub was posted 14 months ago. I just read it for the first time (I'm new to hubpages). I hope that within the past 14 months, things with you, your daughter, and grandchildren have gotten better. Noone should have to deal with abuse.
Cagsil Level 7 Commenter 2 years ago
That is one seriously honest hub. I'm saddened by the plight with your daughter. I am not sure what to say, however, I would like to think that she is having a terrible time trying to figure things out herself. She could have more on her plate than you realize...and I'm not too fond of this individual abusing children. I would be all over him and his behavior would be reported to the authorities, along with the proof I have to back it up.
I found your story sad, but want to convey words of strength, but having trouble finding them or how to convey them. Please leave it up and watch the flood of traffic you get....LOL. Great piece of writing. :)